We went into adoption knowing all of this. We did not expect unicorns and rainbows, in fact I am a pessimist by nature, and always expect the worst. Still, it is so very different--so very painful--to live the worst. We love little E so much, and we just want to soothe her, to make her pain go away. But it is hard--no, impossible--to do so when she really wants nothing to do with us. Especially P. She has completely shut him out, cowering away when he comes near her. No soothing voice, no gentle touch, nothing will comfort her. Even attempts at playful times are met with complete disinterest. Singing, dancing, bouncing a ball, putting on a Chinese children's video, acting silly, going to a park...none of it works. At a park surrounding by children laughing and playing, E slid down the slide a couple of times and wanted to leave.
This is adoption. This is real. This is not the storybook version, and this is what we were ready for. But, can you ever really be ready for this? I think not. Reading it and trying to prepare yourself is very different than the real thing.
What hurts the most is that we have SO MUCH LOVE in our hearts for E. We look at her and melt. We just want to erase her pain, and bring her closer to us. Small moments where we catch a smile over some noodles are what is powering us through the final leg of our trip.
So, here are the pictures. But, remember, they do not tell the entire story.
Our love to everyone back home. We miss you terribly. T + P + E